The Complete Reversal Of A Worrier

The Complete Reversal Of A Worrier - Wisdom's Webzine
Selena Bright (Seattle, WA)


How many thoughts do people have running through their minds each day? Housewives who worry about what to cook for dinner, people being indecisive about what to wear and changing outfits a few times before going out, people worrying about the future… We live thinking about so many things every single day. I was the same, too. I always lived with piles of thoughts, which was actually a rather serious problem. I was much too absorbed in my thoughts. No matter where I was – at home, at school and on streets, too, I was always inside of my thoughts. On the top of my head, I could always feel this invisible “thought balloon,” just like in comic strips. But my “thought balloon” was inflated big enough to cover up the sky.

How could a little girl, who hadn’t lived a life that long, know about the world? But I worried about everything I could create worries about. Even in bed, I couldn’t easily fall asleep. All kinds of thoughts would pop up. I was quite paranoid, always thinking, ‘What if a thief breaks into the house while I’m sleeping?’ ‘How will I continue to live if my mom and dad pass away all of a sudden?’ ‘What should I wear to school tomorrow?’ ‘I shouldn’t have said that to Jenny this afternoon. What should I say to her tomorrow?’ and so on… I used to fall asleep only after being exhausted from worrying and making up possible future scenarios. This little girl, unsurprisingly, went into imagination mode even in the car. I remember always grasping onto my seat belt for dear life while imagining a sudden car accident. I spent most of my days living inside of my thoughts. I also dealt with people in my irrational, absurd thought world. Even though I was physically hanging out with people, I was so stuck inside of my thoughts that I never actually listened to them. So it was impossible to have deep or relaxed relationships with others. Since I poured all my energy into thinking and worrying, no matter how much I ate, I was as skinny as a skeleton.

When I look back on my past, I realize how the worries, thoughts and delusions I had were completely morbid. Negative thoughts, rather than positive thoughts, were always growing. In turn, I blamed the world, and held a grudge against the world. ‘Dream’ and ‘hope’ could never be found in my brain. What’s worse was I couldn’t recognize myself within the pile of thoughts. I actually lived as a slave to the thoughts that were already embedded in my body from long ago. Then the time came for me to enter college. Of course, it was a huge obstacle for me to choose which university to attend and what major to study. Along with the myriad of thoughts, making a decision was extremely difficult. After the first semester of college ended and I went on break, my dad suggested I try this meditation. Just hearing the word ‘meditation’, I felt it already soothed my mind. I felt deep hope that this meditation would bring a huge change to my life.

So I started meditating at a local meditation center. Under the guidance of a meditation helper, I repeatedly subtracted countless images, all the thoughts that I had constantly added and that had cluttered up my mind. I diligently threw away all the images of myself being worried all day long and being afraid and anxious. In retrospect, those days when I was continually falling into meaningless delusion and always neglecting my family and friends was really pathetic.

One day, the “thought balloon” that constant and heavy load upon my head exploded! Bam! I couldn’t describe how light I became after the “thought balloon” went away. I was infinitely happy and truly grateful for this exceptional method, subtraction. I fully realized that the countless thoughts I’d made were not real; they were false. Before, I couldn’t afford any time to look up at the sky due to hundreds of trifling worries. After this meditation, I came to truly cherish and enjoy every moment and even afforded time to look at the flower blossoms along the street.

Now that I’ve found the true mind, which was hidden under the massive balloon of thoughts, there is nothing I worry about and the fear is gone, too. I now have more hopeful and positive thoughts. My days are, therefore, full of gratitude. Even today, as I looked up into the rainy gray sky, I’m happy!

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